Is it biblical to have a beard?

There has been much talk of toxic masculinity in the news recently, which has especially  infuriated those of us who are God’s true children that uphold Biblical gender roles for men and wo-men. And yet, one of the biggest cultural errors of our time that is creeping into the life of the church is the beard.

As I studied the texts, I found the evidence overwhelming; and yet, our church is WILLFULLY IGNORING the fact that men — and especially the male leaders of our church — CANNOT display beards, or their salvation is at RISK. Because of their bearded transgressions, they are leading their sheep astray with reckless abandonment.

Here are the proofs:

Leviticus 14:9 – And on the seventh day he shall shave off all his hair from his head, his beard, and his eyebrows. He shall shave off all his hair, and then he shall wash his clothes and bathe his body in water, and he shall be clean. The most important book of the Bible to turn to when we are considering what ways to stand in contrast to the world’s wicked ways is Leviticus. In this passage, God tells his servant Moses that each week, on the Sabbath, men are to shave off all the hair from their bodies, do laundry, and take their weekly bath. Then, and only then, are they consecrated for worship.

1 Corinthians 11:7, 14: For a man ought not to cover his head, since he is the image and glory of God, but woman is the glory of man… Does not nature itself teach you that if a man wears long hair it is a disgrace for him? This chapter focuses on the appropriate attire for men and women, as well as their relationship with one another. The passage is clear: Women, be humble. You came from a man, so you can’t be any more fabulous than he is. Cover your heads, take off your scandelous jewlery, and be man’s glory. And men — keep your hair short. If you grow out your hair, you are a disgrace to yourSELF, your WIFE, AND to your GOD. The word “disgrace” is the greek atimia, which means “dishonor, disgrading, shame” and other variations of the word include “contempt” and “vile passions.” If you have long hair or beards, you are in contempt of God, and have given into a passion in contrast with your gender role. And because of our disobedient passions:

Romans 1:24-25 –  Therefore God gave them over in the sinful desires of their hearts to sexual impurity for the degrading of their bodies with one another. 25 They exchanged the truth about God for a lie, and worshiped and served created things rather than the Creator—who is forever praised. Amen. God’s anointed servant tells us that men exchanged the truth about their bodies for lies, and that God will give them over to their passions. And when God does:

Isaiah 7:20: In that day the Lord will shave with a razor that is hired beyond the River—with the king of Assyria—the head and the hair of the feet, and it will sweep away the beard also. Here’s the part that gets scary: If you do not follow God’s rules on your own, God will shave your beard for you. The good part? He’ll also shave your toes — which if you’re not doing already — is an ABOMINATION.

In fact, doctrine gifts us with two options for how you may cut your hair and beard:

  • Ezekiel 5:1 – “And you, O son of man, take a sharp sword. Use it as a barber’s razor and pass it over your head and your beard. Then take balances for weighing and divide the hair. Or basically, like Thin Man from Charlie’s Angels the movie (warning: movie is PG-13 and should be watched with your accountability partner).
  • Jeremiah 48:37 – For every head is shaved and every beard cut off. Who knew that Mr. Clean was here to prophesy?

There are several more biblical proofs — not that we need more than 2 or 3 to make a definitive decision on the Bible, anyway — but FAR more than women in leadership or EVEN the gays.

Friends, the BIBLE IS CLEAR ON THIS SUBJECT. Never have we been in such a cultural emergency such as this: pastors, youth pastors, and even WORSHIP LEADERS are participating in this unnatural lifestyle with NO SHAME. As for the men who believe their beards can’t be controlled—you must overcome your lustful desires. Stop willingly ignoring these verses if the Bible, otherwise you are unfit to teach it.

And let’s go beyond the exegesis into the experiential logic: having a beard makes no logical sense. The Word of God proclaims that we should not store up treasures on earth, and (1) pastors on Facebook idolize their beards more than ministry and (2) food LITERALLY gets stored in your beards. MODEST IS HOTTEST fellas. Trim your beard, lest you tempt the women in your life to stumble. You owe it to your smoking hot wives.

And for those of you who were unaware of God’s teachings on the subject: it isn’t too late. Shave off your beard, and God will bring your church back to restoration.

This piece was written as a satire by some women in ministry who discovered there are more verses about beards being shameful to God than there are verses about women in leadership being shameful to God. Since our male youth ministry partners seem to idolize beards, we thought we’d mess with them a little – give a little taste of what we hear in terms of our roles as women in church leadership. The author of this article has a smoking hot husband with a beard, but she gave him permission to, so they are in line with God’s Infallible Word.

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